I’m not afraid to die. It’s not that I care much about eternal life, in fact, I give zero fuck about eternal life. I just lost the count of all the times I word-punched them in the face, tied up in the knots of their repression, that they couldn’t kill me that easily…
There is a theory that suggests that all of us were born with a unique self that is untouchable, lying underneath a multitude of layers of our personality, that we are not the same as we were a priori, let’s say at birth, and we developed, over time, those different aspects of ourselves that will moult later on as we gain life experience (Fun fact : « moult » in French means « many », but this is just my neurodivergent mind being lost in abstraction, building bridges between two languages. Maybe it’s time I have this freaking ADD taken care of; together with autism: I’m chaos).
The theory suggests that our essence varies accordingly to social filters and factors of every one that cross our path, including all those versions of ourselves, but that there would also be a part of us, our Self, our nucleus, that can’t be touched either by positive or negative experiences, nor neutral changes; a core, a matrix, including a myriad of genetic factors that presets all our reactions and who we are would not be but the result of a complex algorithm. This very nature of the brain is called neuroplasticity, and the processus of its transformation, the neurogenesis. In short, according to this scientifically proven theory, we could be some sort of machines that can be formatted down to our Self, or restored to a previous version of ourselves.
I believe I’m in one of this backtracking process, right now; that I make, for the sake of my own survival and happiness, the way back to the one I was before all those damages that occurred in the past decade or so (let’s not set the goals too high; aren’t we all ill-functioning time machines, limited by our own capacity to go backward, even on our own timeline?).
Domestic violence, sexual agressions, intimidation, state violence (police brutality), economical violence, own self destructive behaviour in reaction to external violence, name it, were all contributing factors to my several PTS’, deep depression, and lack of confidence in myself (and other people) that, together with autism, lead me to be in a constant state of reaction to external factors. Also, people who know me are well aware that 2017 was not but a fucking Hell. Amongst other things, I lost my grandmother, on July 3 and my uncle, who was like a second father to me, on August 8. I ended my dysfunctional relationship and lost my job, during Fall to be involved in a very toxic and abusive relationship in Winter, all awhile four people from my surrounding confessed their suicidal tendencies which was an additional charge on my already over loaded shoulders.
But enough of this moping! I recently reached the point where I can’t allow myself to be dragged down to the pitfall of circumstances anymore. I’m so fed up of all the bullshit that, the more I write this blog, the more I see its irrelevance. It makes me feel like opening my fucking front door and start running aimlessly like a psycho animal lost in the dead-end streets of its own purposes, setting shit on fire on its way just for the fuck of it. But that would be the easy way out, wouldn’t it be? The illusory feeling to be in control provided by the destruction of things. The truth is that I am actually lead by my fucking indestructible survival instincts. I always spring back up on my feet no matter how hard people or circumstances try to finish me up. I’m in a raging need of reanimating this fucking living dead corps that is my existence! I want to write my goddamn books, cross the path of that male version of me that will make fucking shiny stars dance before my eyes all awhile our bodies fuse, the time of an atomic orgasme, in that one little nucleus triggering an explosion that would blow our both minds every single day, for the rest of our life. No matter what they say, no matter what and who we are, no matter WTF they think you are, no matter what you’ve done (I know your core, I know what lies underneath it all and I fucking love what I see!) I would bring it into life and teach it how to survive this goddamn broken world. No matter what they fucking say, I would fight by your side and watch your back, ALWAYS, because this is who I am, and I was trained to combat.
Today, with the return of nice weather, was the go back to running outside day and it reminded how much I enjoy that fine line between pleasure and pain. It was strange though, there is so many changes operating in me lately, that people were saying hello to me on the bike path. This is not what I am accustomed to. Usually people think I’m a weirdo and avoid looking at me. Yesterday, I went to the art and handcraft store that use to be owned by my former father-in-law to buy specific material for jewellery design, first, he didn’t even recognize me. He then said something has deeply changed in me, that I looked fine and at peace, a powerful kind of different. He was half right, huh? I am more like bursting with energy. I’m inspired by light, darkness, chaos and catastrophe. By an outstanding and chaotic man with his music. Sometimes, when I let myself plunge into his art, I feel like my soul is merging with his own into something whole clair-obscur and beautiful. The contact of his core against mine turns me on and burst with inspiration pushing my creative moments to the edge of sweet folly, stories pop up inside my head. He always reminded me my strength, even as a young teenager. I grew up with his influence and probably survived because of it and still do, especially lately. I understand his approach, the message he is trying to send the world and it restores a bit of my faith in humanity. It’s not about a notoriety, nor materialistic needs, call me a derailed romantic psycho if there lies all your ambition, I give zero fuck about the opinion of people who have given up on raw life to the profit of a judgmental pragmatism and to a fucking 9 to 5 master, but it’s about love and feeling whole.